Embracing

Trying something new.

I always feel so inspired to write....write....write. Yet, I never actually sit down and take the time anymore. I have drawers in my desk filled with old diary's of mine, along with the memories of sitting alone in my room, or my past apartments in the city where I feverishly kept track of my life. Scratching at the pages while a cigarette burned in the ash tray. I was either pining or longing or loving or crying. My life seemed so full then. Full of drama and love affairs, friends with issues and angst. What a whirlwind it was to be young and feel as if every emotion you had needed to be analyzed. School and boyfriends, feelings of needing to belong, discovering what I loved or loathed about myself. Regrets, plenty of those.

These days, my life is pretty (dare I say it?) dull. Married, with two little boys at home and sigh.....endless time. I'm not working these days, staying home with Finn and Leo is such a blessing. You can read more about our *start* in my retired blog "Everything After" here. http://hayleeanderhan.blogspot.com/  For years at the change of the season I would try my best to play catch up and record our comings and goings, reflect on Holidays and Birthday's shared. The months in between were getting away from me, and I found it was taking so much of my time to recap so many of our adventures at once. With this new blog, I hope to check in a little more often.  Make my mark a little more memorable than just posting pictures on Facebook.

One would think I would be relishing in having so much free time to be creative, to sing and dance with the children, to play make believe and read stories. Lately, I'm drawing a blank. Staying home with the kids comes at a cost (no pun intended). I don't have the funds to hit up museums, or play centers. I can't afford art or tumbling classes for the two of them. I really should be taking them to the park or using our zoo membership but the weather has been so very cold. Now that Christmas is over I am finding myself already day dreaming of watching the kids run though the fountain, or enjoying picnics outside. I still have a long winter and spring ahead before I start envisioning us on the sand listening to the ocean. I need to get out of the mind set that I need money to have fun. My mother and father used to always make something out of nothing, I'm trying to get better at that. I'm looking forward to little Leo walking and being a tad easier to take care of. He is only one and still needs so much mothering. I know he will be walking by spring time and I'll have both of my hands filled with little ones hanging on. The two of them sure are cute.....my teeth hurt from the sweetness they bring into my life.

It's a new year, a new start. Erhan and I sat up in bed on New Years Eve, paused watching "Star Trek the Next Generation" so we could count down the final minutes before we watched the ball drop at midnight. We agreed that a "new start" should happen every day. Cliche, but it's true. That we shouldn't place so many expectations on ourselves, our lives and our kids. We agreed to take every day as it comes, to try to be more flexible (something we suck at honestly), and to not dwell on our past too much. We have such an issue with "remembering when"- longing for the days where we slept in, or went to the movies, or basically did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. The days when leaving the house was just as easy as opening the door and well, going. We both have been feeling so trapped. Erhan behind a desk all day, me stuck at home all day. The same day seems to be playing over and over and over. We haven't had a proper vacation, ever. The most we have ever been away is two days.....just enough time to unwind and then head back home. We questioned if we were the kind of people that were meant to have children, and it didn't take more than a minute to admit that we were indeed meant to be parents. We wouldn't trade those darling little faces for anything. We made the commitment to start a family and raise kids, so why lately has it been so hard for us to enjoy the daily's? We DO miss our old life and in that honesty, we realized that someday we would have it again. We would be older, yes....much older, but we will get there, and (ha!) it might actually be lonely once we arrive. Finn and Leo are only with us in our home for such a short time. So in between our amazing midnight kiss, we pleaded to try and enjoy our life more. Sounds easy enough right? Here we go.