An Upcoming Birthday

My mother always made my Birthday's special. In fact, she still goes out of her way to make sure my day is something to remember. My Birthdays to her, where about celebrating my life to the fullest. Her ideas were always so creative, her ideas where magic. Her ideas were before Pinterest!

I have incredibly fond memories of tea party's and bowling party's, slumber party's and extravagant dinners with the family with all my best friends sitting around the table. On my 12th Birthday I played spin the bottle with "hugs" and I remember being allowed to shave my legs (that was a BIG deal). On my 14th Birthday I had a huge party down at our Recreation Center in Murryhill. I remember slow dancing with boys and having the time of my life.

 In my older teen years, I was allowed to have party's at our house with all my high school friends. Dancing and eating and celebrating, feeling cool when boys I had crushes on showed up with flowers. My folks and brother would hang upstairs and I would have the entire drama department in my kitchen snacking or taking part in a scavenger hunt in my neighborhood. Innocent fun was the best kind of fun.

In my 20's, I celebrated in my own way. My Birthday's became about leaving town and heading up to Seattle (after celebrating with my folks). There was something about Seattle that always drew me in. I think it was about feeling grown up, doing something adult for myself. I used to ride the train every year, headphones on, journal out......I loved it so much. I carried that tradition into my life with Erhan, and on my 30th Birthday he asked me to marry him in one of my favorite city's. We continued to return to celebrate while I was pregnant and once or twice after we had Finn. I even had my Birthday world collide with the awesome "Harry Potter Exhibit" in Seattle in January 2011. I was needless to say,
in heaven.

Our trips to Seattle these days have stopped, mostly because we now have two little rascals in our life. Taking them both with us on what used to be romantic vacations just doesn't seem right.  I know, I know. We should be making "new" memories, but I'm not quite at that point yet. Erhan and I just can't get past paying a fortune for a short getaway just to change diapers and wipe up thrown food. Maybe when Finn and Leo are older, we can venture up north again as a family and enjoy museums and dinners out. The two of these kids are giving us a run for our money right now.

As I'm getting older (this will be my 36th Birthday on January 9th), I find myself still looking for that "big" celebration. Last year on my 35th, my mom graciously invited ten of my girlfriends out to a lovely brunch, her treat. It was really great, but a feeling of nervousness and embarrassment clouded over me in a why I never expected. I used to love the "attention" but strangely and shockingly, I just wanted to hide under the table. I don't know what to do with those feelings, they are so unlike me.

Unfortunately, Erhan my husband is going to be out of town this year, right on my Birthday. His company has decided to take everyone on work retreat, and I'm devastated. I have spent eight Birthday's wrapped up in him, he always has something special planned and I always feel safe and sound ringing in my Birthday in his arms. Erhan and this life we share IS my celebration, so without him I feel like my day isn't complete. This is a picture of my first Birthday celebration with him as a "couple". I was so in love.

Upon mom's insistence this year to get my mind off his absence, she has talked me into celebrating big again. She has offered to watch the children so I can have dinner out with my girlfriends. Twelve of us are going out that night, so why do I feel nervous? I love these women, each and every one of them. yet I feel silly getting everyone together. I'm struggling with feeling like it's egotistical to throw your own Birthday party. But if you don't, who will?  I don't think I ever truly NEEDED to be the center of attention, I believe I just do well in that position. I got this.

I've decided, with mom's help of course, to bring something to the party for each of the girls as a "Thank You" for coming. Who doesn't love a unexpected surprise, and who says goody bags are only for children's party's? Going back to my moms original idea, I feel that if I make this Birthday about celebrating my LIFE instead of just ME, I might feel the heat taken off myself a little. Showing an incredible amount of gratitude to my girlfriends for being there for me is the path I really want to go down. That's what I'm most grateful for this year anyhow. "In my friend, I find a second self". Happy Birthday to me.

Embracing

Trying something new.

I always feel so inspired to write....write....write. Yet, I never actually sit down and take the time anymore. I have drawers in my desk filled with old diary's of mine, along with the memories of sitting alone in my room, or my past apartments in the city where I feverishly kept track of my life. Scratching at the pages while a cigarette burned in the ash tray. I was either pining or longing or loving or crying. My life seemed so full then. Full of drama and love affairs, friends with issues and angst. What a whirlwind it was to be young and feel as if every emotion you had needed to be analyzed. School and boyfriends, feelings of needing to belong, discovering what I loved or loathed about myself. Regrets, plenty of those.

These days, my life is pretty (dare I say it?) dull. Married, with two little boys at home and sigh.....endless time. I'm not working these days, staying home with Finn and Leo is such a blessing. You can read more about our *start* in my retired blog "Everything After" here. http://hayleeanderhan.blogspot.com/  For years at the change of the season I would try my best to play catch up and record our comings and goings, reflect on Holidays and Birthday's shared. The months in between were getting away from me, and I found it was taking so much of my time to recap so many of our adventures at once. With this new blog, I hope to check in a little more often.  Make my mark a little more memorable than just posting pictures on Facebook.

One would think I would be relishing in having so much free time to be creative, to sing and dance with the children, to play make believe and read stories. Lately, I'm drawing a blank. Staying home with the kids comes at a cost (no pun intended). I don't have the funds to hit up museums, or play centers. I can't afford art or tumbling classes for the two of them. I really should be taking them to the park or using our zoo membership but the weather has been so very cold. Now that Christmas is over I am finding myself already day dreaming of watching the kids run though the fountain, or enjoying picnics outside. I still have a long winter and spring ahead before I start envisioning us on the sand listening to the ocean. I need to get out of the mind set that I need money to have fun. My mother and father used to always make something out of nothing, I'm trying to get better at that. I'm looking forward to little Leo walking and being a tad easier to take care of. He is only one and still needs so much mothering. I know he will be walking by spring time and I'll have both of my hands filled with little ones hanging on. The two of them sure are cute.....my teeth hurt from the sweetness they bring into my life.

It's a new year, a new start. Erhan and I sat up in bed on New Years Eve, paused watching "Star Trek the Next Generation" so we could count down the final minutes before we watched the ball drop at midnight. We agreed that a "new start" should happen every day. Cliche, but it's true. That we shouldn't place so many expectations on ourselves, our lives and our kids. We agreed to take every day as it comes, to try to be more flexible (something we suck at honestly), and to not dwell on our past too much. We have such an issue with "remembering when"- longing for the days where we slept in, or went to the movies, or basically did whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. The days when leaving the house was just as easy as opening the door and well, going. We both have been feeling so trapped. Erhan behind a desk all day, me stuck at home all day. The same day seems to be playing over and over and over. We haven't had a proper vacation, ever. The most we have ever been away is two days.....just enough time to unwind and then head back home. We questioned if we were the kind of people that were meant to have children, and it didn't take more than a minute to admit that we were indeed meant to be parents. We wouldn't trade those darling little faces for anything. We made the commitment to start a family and raise kids, so why lately has it been so hard for us to enjoy the daily's? We DO miss our old life and in that honesty, we realized that someday we would have it again. We would be older, yes....much older, but we will get there, and (ha!) it might actually be lonely once we arrive. Finn and Leo are only with us in our home for such a short time. So in between our amazing midnight kiss, we pleaded to try and enjoy our life more. Sounds easy enough right? Here we go.