The Unexpected Cry

Have you ever watched a movie, a television show, or a commercial and unexpectedly cried like a baby? I don't mean like, you teared up a little and maybe nobody noticed. I mean an outpouring of tears that you can't control. Tears where someone has to hold your hand or give you a hug because they can't believe how incredibly moved you are. (Erhan knows a lot about this)
I am always shocked at how deeply I react to certain things that many people may not be moved by. I love it even more when I'm caught off guard by it. When my brain and heart surprise me and teach me something I wasn't expecting (or even ready for). Then, that thing that made you cry so hard, stays with you.....forever. That's my favorite part.
I'm not ashamed of what makes me cry. I love that it can be so many random things and I always wonder if I watched said thing again, would it have the same effect time and time again?

Each night Erhan and I watch a Star Trek Episode of some sort. For years we watched "Star Trek The Next Generation" and then we moved on to "Star Trek Voyager". It's always hard for me to get used to a new crew and a new Captain because I'm a creature of habit. I like the same routine over and over, but once I get into a new Star Trek show I end up falling in love with it and then hating when it all comes to an end. We just started Season Five of "Star Trek Deep Space Nine" and I must admit I wasn't into this show at all at first. Captain Sisko, played by actor Avery Brooks was hard for me to get used to. The way he spoke rubbed me the wrong way and the other characters in the series just weren't my cup of tea. I missed Data and Seven of Nine.

But somewhere in the middle of Season Four I was hit with an episode called "The Visitor".  I didn't think anything could be better than STNG's "Inner Light" episode but I was surely proven wrong. Captain Sisko is jolted by a bolt of energy after fixing an issue in the warp drive with his son Jake. Sisko vanishes into subspace and seems to be lost forever. They mourn him as dead but a year later Sisko reappears to his son for a brief amount of time. Jake and the rest of the crew are certain that his temporal signature is out of phase, but they cannot correct it. Jake spends his entire life waiting for his father to appear to him (he does several times over the course of Jakes life, Sisko always remaining the same age as Jake gets older) and he struggles to find a way to bring his dad back...... giving up everything in his life to make it happen. At the end of the episode, Jake is an old man and realizes that since his father and him were together when the energy passed between them, he believes that he is acting as a tether that is keeping his father frozen in time and needs to kill himself to set his dad free. Anyway, the LOVE shared between these two characters had me sobbing like a broken child up in bed that night. I was (and so was Erhan) so blown away by the acting and the story that it took me a while to calm down after it was over. I had to wash my face and I couldn't watch another show for a few minutes afterterwards. How in the world could I have cried my eyes out over a Star Trek episode? Really? Let me just say that THIS is what I'm talking about. I LOVED that I cried over this. Something I didn't expect. Something that maybe nobody has ever cried over. I must admit that I have DEEPLY (no pun intended) fallen in love with the show. I have fallen in love with Captain Sisko and I couldn't be happier .The Final Scene in "The Visitor"

Here are a few more things that have unexpectedly made me cry.

-The movie "Birth". Have you seen it?

I was truly not expecting to cry as hard as I did at the end of this movie. I remember wanting to go to the movies and there not being many choices out at the time. I was living on my own in the city and it was a cool fall day where I was bundled up and clutching my coffee as I walked to the Fox Tower from my NW apartment. I had read a review about this movie in the Willamette Week and I thought would give it a try. Holy Smokes. I LOVED it. It's a incredible story about a young boy who attempts to convince a woman that he is her dead husband reborn. You really want to believe in this one. The final scene had me thanking God I was alone in the theater and not with anyone else because I had to sit there for a long time after it was over. Nicole Kidman's character was so tortured. Her love ran so deep. What the screenplay did, quite beautifully, was convey silent emotions. I thought it was great.         The Trailer for "Birth"

-Does anyone remember the commercial "Embrace Life"? The brief commercial on television where the young father is pretending to drive a car in front of his daughter and wife and then realizes he's about to be in an accident. The daughter and his wife jump off the couch and clasp their hands around his arms and chest forming a seat belt and they save his life. Yes. I cried a lot at the end of that commercial. The touching detail of the entire thing being in slow motion, the looks of anguish on everyone's face.....killed me. I don't think I have ever in my life ridden in a car without wearing my seat belt. It seems completely foreign to me to be without one. I am in awe that there are commercials out there that have to remind people to even do so. Embrace Life Commercial

-Alright, I am NOT ashamed to admit this next one. I cried so hard at the end of "I am Legend". Yup. This one was a complete shocker. I loved the movie "Omega Man" with Charlton Heston so when they "remade" the movie staring Will Smith I was a little skeptical. I am not a fan of zombies (but I am a fan of Heston :p) so when Erhan wanted to take me to this I could have thought of a hundred other movies I would have rather snuggled up in the movie theater to. I was stunned at how affected I was by this one. The ending yanked the tears from my eyes so unpredictably that I was frozen. I'm sure Erhan looked at me like I was crazy but when Will Smith gave his life at the end I about lost it.
Okay, I kind of have a thing for Will Smith too, not just Heston). This movie really took the cake on sadness I wasn't expecting.  So sad in fact that I have been timid about visiting it again.I have only seen it one.

-Vanilla Sky
This movie rocked my world. So many people didn't like this one. I knew nothing about it when my boyfriend and his friends took me to see it. I was along for the ride that night, and when the movie began I had no expectations. The story is about a very successful publisher's who's life takes a turn for the surreal after a terrible accident......and it MOVED me. Say what you want about Tom Cruise, and how "crazy" he is in his personal life. I love him. I have always loved him. I love him in every movie I have ever seen him in and this one is truly my favorite. As always, the final scene is what had me practically sobbing into my popcorn napkin. When the character realizes that he is at the end and he see's the love of his life standing before him, and he says goodbye, and jumps, and the song in the background is Sigur ros's "The nothing song" and his life flashes before his eyes...... Holy Hell, I just got choked up writing about it. Director Cameron Crowe did such an awesome job with this remake (Penelope Cruz was also in the original movie). I remember running out the very next day to buy the soundtrack. Vanilla Sky Ending

*I also cried at the end of "The Professional". I can't really explain this one. Everyone is shocked when I tell them this. Erhan looked at me the other night when I confessed this deep down secret and he actually said he had a new found adoration for me he didn't think was possible. 

So in putting it out there, what's your "Unexpected Cry"? Have you watched something that made you downright sob and you were totally amazed by it? I personally look forward to this happening to me.  I WANT it to happen to me. Some people might say "Oh, your body needed to cry" or "Maybe what you watched was so sad because you have other things going on in your life". Go ahead and blame it on hormones, blame it on stress....but I know that when I cry over something unexpected I am forever changed. I have an appreciation for life afterwards that perhaps I needed. I can't wait to see what brings me to my knees next.

Let Me Count The Ways

Finn and I had been counting down to Valentines Day since the middle of January this year. Right after my Birthday (January 9th) I start looking forward to February 14th. As long as I could remember, I have loved the day of L.O.V. E. I remember being so excited in grade school to pass out my Valentines, reading into every one that a boy I had a crush on gave me. My mother always had something special for my brother and I. We would come down in the morning before school and find a wrapped package waiting for us near our breakfast plates. I, to this day, inhale at least one bag of conversation hearts and I read each and every saying. I shared a few with Finn this year and they now say things like "Text Me" and "LOL". Oh how times have changed.

I honestly have been making Valentines with Finn since he was one. I know he had no clue what I was doing for him, but I still couldn't wait to go out and buy a box of Valentines and fill them out for him. The Dollar Tree a few years ago had Harry Potter Valentines and I bought three boxes. I'm obsessed with anything Harry Potter. I didn't even open them they were so precious.

When Finn was almost two, I hosted a small Valentines Day party for some of my mommy friends and their kiddos. The girls came over and we ate sandwiches and crafted Valentines for the children's daddy's and their friends. I love any excuse to decorate and throw a party. I adore buying decorations, making snacks, taking pictures. Sadly, my little guy came down with a fever no more than minutes after everyone arrived, so poor little Finny went upstairs and napped through the entire party. Everyone had a great time though and each child went home with a personalized Valentines Day basket from yours truly. Have I mentioned I obsessed with do it yourself goodie bags? I love them.

Right before Finn turned three, I organized a little Holiday get together at New Seasons Progress Ridge. The dining section has a huge seating area and it was perfect for getting a latte and a Valentines Day cookie. The mommy's brought their kids, and I brought my newest little addition Leo for his first Valentines Day Party.  All the girls brought bags of treats to pass out and the children colored and worked on making cards. How could you not enjoy being surrounded by so much love? The kids did a great job and Finn had a blast. 



I have so many reasons to love LOVE on this day. The children in my life, mom and dad and Dallas never being more than a hop and a skip away, a husband I adore. Erhan is truly one of a kind. This man has never forgotten a Valentines Day. Not one. Every year he walks in the door with flowers or he surprises me with a wrapped package of either my favorite perfume, my favorite candy or a piece of jewelry. One year he even gave me my favorite men (On DVD of course), Billy Zane and Johnny Depp. I got "Dead Calm" and "Cry Baby" on Blu-ray. Does this man know me or what?
This year, now that Finn is a little older he is really starting to enjoy the excitement of Holidays. I think he asked me for three weeks straight when he woke up if it was Valentines Day yet. We had lightly decorated the house with red heart garland and had purchased a card box to decorate on one of our many trips to Target. We also picked out some fun treats to fill our goodie bags with and some candy. Finn worked very hard on making his Valentines special. He hand placed all of the stickers on his box and very meticulously put together each and every bag for his friends. Working on this project together was precious. I loved how he announced who every bag was for and made sure he picked out that important treat for that person. 

I am so proud of the big heart on this boy. He is always so willing to help, to be a "really useful engine" as Thomas the Train would say. He is bursting with so much love and kindness. The way he takes care of his little brother makes my insides explode with adoration. When Leo is sad he kisses his head or tries to make him laugh. He is starting to get better about sharing his toys and his personal items. Every morning when Finn wakes up, he greets Leo by turning on the light for him and then fills his brother's crib with stuffed animals. Leo absolutely adores Finn. It makes Erhan and feel like we are doing something right because Lord knows nobody gave us a handbook on raising two boys. Our days are filled with surprises, not one day is the same. The children are my constant joy, my full time job. It's a tremendous commitment raising these two souls. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Erhan and I decided to go out to dinner the night before Valentines Day this year to avoid the crowds, who unfortunately don't make it very romantic. We went to our new favorite dinning spot, The Oswego Grill and enjoyed a very (very) quiet dinner just the two of us. We sat side by side in a booth, shared uninterrupted conversation.....it was heaven. We picked up a couple of treats for the boys on the way home and I sat up in bed and finished the coupon book I was making for Finny.

The coupon book idea was given to me by my mom. She used to make them for me when I was little (the Tooth Fairy usually brought them) and they were filled with coupons for some of my favorite things. One cookie at the bakery, or a Jem Doll of my choice, a scoop of ice cream at the pharmacy. These were my favorite kinds of gifts. I still have them to this day and was inspired to make the same memories with Finn. Oh what fun this was! Finn woke up and when he got his book in his hands he was so grateful. "OH THANK YOU MOMMY! That was so KIND of you!" were his exact words. This kid.....I swear. Leo got a little toy remote because we can't keep him out of our TV basket in the living room. He is the biggest button pusher. He takes every remote out of the basket and pushes every single button, laughing in delight every time he changes the channel. It drives us crazy when we are playing a video game or watching a movie, so we thought it was high time Leo got his own device, especially one that didn't control the TV!


We arrived at Partridge House early on Valentines Day morning to hand out all of our goodies and hang out with our friends. Finn was very excited. All of the kids handed out there Valentines after making their own bags to bring them home in. Finn brought his cool new box. After snacking on cookies I took my little scootches out for Pancakes and then to "Piccolo Mondo Toys" so Finn could use his very first coupon picking out a train. He was beaming.

I pray every day to have many days like these ahead of me. I secretly wish my children to never grow up, to stay small and by my side forever and always. To be there every morning when I wake up full of smiles just for me. It's bitter sweet for me to realize that every Holiday that passes, each one of them is getting older (and so am I). I strive to make each and every day important, to make it count in some small way. I find myself at the end of the day, when I lay my head down next to my husband, hoping that my children will always remember these moments with me. That they will do the same special things for their children when they grow up. That their kind little hearts will always be this full of love for their family as mine is.  I don't think that's too much to hope for.

Snowlandia

If ever I was in need of some quality family time, I sure got it these last few days. As some of my fellow residents know, Portland was hit with a tremendous snow storm a few of us didn't think would really happen. I admit, I was a bit skeptical. Our news and weather teams here in the NW have a tendency to over exaggerate, in my humble opinion. My hopes have been raised many times by promises of being snowed in, all to wake up in the morning to a light dusting. This time though, they got it right.

We started out with a few light flurries this past Wednesday afternoon and smartly I headed to the grocery store to fill the house just in case. I posed the kids outside on the famous wall to snap a few photographs of their smiling faces trying to catch snow flakes in their hands. It was downright freezing. Thursday morning arrived with news that a big snow fall was expected, but my ever devoted husband headed off to work anyway against my pleading to not risk it. Sigh. I had high hopes for snow but again, you never know here.  

By early afternoon it was really coming down, and I sat with my nose to the window waiting for Erhan to safely make it home. It took over an hour to drive maybe 10 miles and his phone was dead, which made me even more nervous. Once he arrived at our door step, and dusted the snow from that handsome head of his, I felt like I could take a sigh of relief and could start enjoying our winter wonderland. And what a view it was. The snow just kept coming and coming and the wind was so incredibly strong, it appeared (as my mother put it) as if we were sitting inside a snow globe. It was gorgeous. It began to look a lot like Christmas right smack in the middle of February. We hunkered down and were happy we had nowhere to be. Our family's were safe on both sides and we had enough food and supplies to last us "just in case". Thank goodness for my Costco run earlier that week.

Our mornings were filled with pancakes and a side of snow. The view of our yard from our window looked so pretty. Snow has a way of covering the landscape and making even the most rundown things look picturesque.

After watching picture after picture of my friends and their children outside, I decided to bundle up my Finny and see if he would enjoy some snow fun. In all honesty, I had zero desire to be outside. The California girl in me wanted to stay inside, and warm in front of my flat screen and video games. But the mother in me wanted my child to expeiece the snow fall, so out we went. Finn doesn't own a pair of gloves (I know....) or a pair of boots (sigh.....) but we ventured out anyway in layers of thermal pants and big coats. Finn was excited for about five minutes. The moment the icy wind hit his face and his pink little hands touched snow and it stung, he was done. He is definitely my child. I did manage to get a wave and then a perfect picture of him at the front door begging to head in. Hilarious. That was the end of that. Someday he will enjoy it, but until then it was craft city while we waited for it to melt.

We busted out some of the awesome gifts we got for Christmas that I have been saving in the closet for days like these. I'm a big believer in not opening every gift the kids get. They certainly can't keep track when they are getting so many presents and when you store some of them away for later, it's like Christmas all over again when you bring them out. We did playdoh, and animal cut outs. We put the finishing touches on Finn's Valentine's Day Box and added stars to our chore chart (<----the most amazing idea I've had for Finn I must share sometime).

Anybody who knows me knows I absolutely hate the things in my home to stay in the same spot for very long. I overly enjoy moving furniture, changing art around, redoing shelves and painting the walls (when Erhan lets me....groan). If I had my way, I'd paint and repaint all of the time depending on my mood, but...... Anyway, the furniture in our tiny house is just big enough to only fit where we put it. Our couch can't go any other place than the spot we have it in and our dining room (if you want to call it that) has no room for anything other than our small table and chairs. Our shared office just got a minor refresh by my moving my desk over to in front of the window (LIFE!) but our bedroom has had the furniture in the same place for over seven years. It's a gorgeous set up, but the bed only fits in one spot. It kills me. So, I move the kids room around whenever I can. Finn loves it. He feels like he is getting a "new room" and it amazingly gets him interested in toys he has forgotten about when I put them in a new spot.

 As for what the adults have been doing, E and I have been enjoying each others company to the fullest. There is something to be said about the closeness of a married couple. We could be just sitting side by side for hours, perhaps not even speaking, but every few minutes our hands reach over to touch the other, or we sneak a kiss out of nowhere. I finished my book and have cleaned out more closets and cabinets than I have in years. We have been staying up late and loving the kids on our bed in the morning, with no plans to go anywhere. We have been watching movies and playing retro games we have downloaded on the Wii (Castlevania and Zelda still rule).

Finn actually surprised us by crying a the end of "Big" the other night. This kid is still three, right? We watched "World War Z" and "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"- Somehow the snow brought Brad Pitt to our television and I'm not complaining.
Our living room has been ground zero for all sorts of shenanigans like helping Daddy do push ups and Leo learning how to play the piano. He is so interested that a small piano for him might be our next investment. He goes up to the keyboard on his own and moves his little tush to his own music. It's adorable. We have been practicing these last few days with him, trying to get him to walk. He is fifteen months old now and can crawl like a bat out of hell, but refuses to take more than two steps solo. Here I was thinking Finn was a late walker by fourteen months. Meanwhile, Dallas and I both walked at eight months. I'm trying not to be pushy, but I have a strong desire to be hand in hand this summer on the beach with this boy and NOT be pushing a stroller across the sand. All in due time, I'm sure.

We are heading into day five of being inside. Our milk is gone, our eggs and bread are gone. The snacks are starting to disappear and I think if I watch one more episode of Thomas the Tank Engine, I might lose my mind. Since the snow has turned into a thick sheet of ice, we are still unable to get going anywhere. I had to cancel Finn's first swim class which was disappointing and I'm a little nervous they are going to yank my held books at the library.
Surprisingly, though I'm okay with being home. I have been enjoying the house filled with laughter and games. I love not having make up on my face and my Target bill is at an all time low. I have been enjoying the hot chocolate and the tons of facebook time where I can see all of my beautiful friends and their children having the time of their lives. It's the most smiles I have seen on facebook for a while.
My folks are hanging in there with Dallas, but I sure do miss them. Stomach Flu had been going around Partridge House and I haven't seen my family in weeks. I'm hoping to give everyone a healthy hug by Valentines Day this Friday. I'm sure Erhan will be back to work tomorrow, as I'm now watching the snow melt from the tree's and the power cords. It's been the best family time a girl can ask for. Time off with my family without all of the hussle and bussle of it having it be the Holidays. My friend Jenny on Facebook posted that we should be snowed in at least once a month. I tend to agree. It's be wonderful.

Here a few pictures of snow days past. Stay Safe everyone. 

 January 2008. Erhan and my first snow fall. We had just moved in together. Oh this house was about to hold some wonderful memories.

 

Walks in the snow were so romantic.

Looking Back

I'm sure to get an eye roll or two for even complaining for a second about my life. On the contrary, it's not my present life that displeases me. It's a particular piece of time that I wished I had made more of an effort to BE somebody. How could I have not have even tried? The disappointment in myself is miles long and the shame I feel for the path I took to not better myself fills me with such sadness. The choice I made to not benefit from education and creativity baffles me. As an adult, I am filled with so much inspiration. I want to do so many things and I struggle daily with not knowing how to get started. I lack the tools and the know how school and experience could have given me, and sadly, I still lack motivation.

Facebook has been hosting a "Occupy Facebook with Art" movement this week, and I have been captivated by so many incredible pieces. The emotions that certain works of art evoke in me always catches me by surprise, and it causes me to ache for the days when I had, well....dreams. 

You know what I'm talking about. The days in your teens and early twenties when you had hopes of what you would become. I could write a small novel on the regrets I have held deep inside and it pains me to know how much time I wasted focusing on such unimportant things.
I made so many mistakes. I was obsessed with boys. I never had the patience to stick with a job or a class or an assignment. I never educated myself. I never had hobbies. I never immersed myself into a project or a passion. I lived in such a fantasy world. There are no "do overs". I could have been anything, and I can't go back.

I didn't finish High School. Not many people know this about me, but I left two months shy of graduation. I just wasn't cutting it. Something as simple as High School was just too much for me to commit to so I dropped out and went right to work. I struggled so much in school and as an adult I now ache for that sort of structure. I wish I was spending my days learning new things, being carefree and only having 45 minute classes to worry about during the day. I managed to land a job, without experience, as a Secretary for a Lawyer downtown when I was 18, and that was it. I have worked ever since. My parents tried to help, they tried to stop me but I was an adult. Frankly, I had given them so much grief during my years in school with my grades and my lack of interest in ANYTHING that I owe them the biggest apology of all for not living up to my potential. How could you not feel like a failure as a parent when your kid drops out of school? I was a young girl who had an incredible amount of potential. I don't even recognize that girl as me. How did my inner self not realize there was so much I would be missing? What it would feel like to be accomplished? To experience graduation? To be congratulated and respected for a job well done? To have the opposite sex look at you as a strong educated woman? I have no clue as to what that feels like.

How did I not study abroad? How did I not model or create fashion? How did I not study art or visit more museums? Lectures? How did I not follow my dream of becoming an interior designer? An event planner? A wedding planner? How did I not become a photographer? A writer? A teacher? A Scientist? An actress even?  How did I not take radio classes or communications? How did I not open up a restaurant?

College for example, is something I will never know. Did I ever even have a chance of getting in? I became pregnant with Dallas at 19 and was married to his father for just shy of two years. I worked and worked and worked and worked and still couldn't make ends meet after we divorced, and then Matthew disappeared completely. Dallas went to live with my parents at 18 months and has been there ever since. Not a choice that was made easily and honestly, it's still not something I am quite over. I may never be "over" it. If you know me though, and you know my family than you know it was the best choice for Dallas. I'm torn between thinking I wasn't mature enough to raise my own child and the feeling that I WAS mature enough to recognize that I couldn't raise him. Sometimes I wonder if I gave up far too easily. I have always givne up too fast. I throw my hands up in the air and say "I'm done" far sooner than I should. Giving up Dallas is my most incomprehensible sadness. Fortunaly, he was and still is raised by two wonderful people. They gave him more than I ever could have given him at 21. I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for my parents. But I'm always torn, like a piece of me is missing and always will be. 

I have had so many bad boyfriends and bad friends. The adult in me now can't even grasp why I kept so many toxic people in my life. Why did I stay in such awful relationships with men and women? What about ME atracted these people to me? Why didn't I ever just walk away? The the thing about being older is you realize now more than ever when you are wasting your time. I put up with so much. I would never put up with any of those people now.

So what do I do with this? What do I do with these regrets at 36 years old? So many people have told me "You're young! It's not to late!". I don't think those people realize what a missed chance feels like. I can't just go back to school and try to recreate something I should have experienced at 20. I can't just get that chance back. I can't go back and dump those boyfriends. I can't go back and tell those awful friends to get out of my life. I can't go back and raise Dallas on my own, or never get married to Matthew. The scars I carry run deep and no amount of therapy or journal entries can erase them. I spent so many endless nights in my old apartments waiting for something to happen TO me. Gah! The overwhelming anger wrecks my brain. I just want to slap myself. I've developed tremendous self esteem issues and so much guilt, that ironically, I'm STILL not doing anything to better myself. I feel crippled and stuck. Still.

After a couple of days I can look back at how I was feeling and realize that the choices I made lead me here, to this present life, and this life is pretty wonderful to say the least. One of those awful boyfriends lead me right into the arms of my husband and best friend. (That's another story entirely) I'm actually a VERY fortunate girl. I have incredible, beautiful children. I own a home, a nice car, I'm in good health and so is my family. I have a fantastic group of girlfriends I could call upon at any time I need to feel some love. The best thing for me to do is to slowly stop going through these phases of feeling "not good enough". To slowly if possible, stop regretting my past so much. My mother once told me I am always either living in the past, or I suffer from the "what ifs". I'm never in the moment and I don't think much of my future. It's like I'm stuck in time.

My bucket list is a mile long. I think it's funny that part of me believes I can undo years of being a certain way and then all of a sudden like a switch start enrolling myself in school, or pick up a paint brush, dive into countless hobbies or start writing a book. After I die, I want something to be left of my existence besides my children. I want people to remember me for a long time, as someone who changed their life. The older I get and the closer to old age I get I am discovering I want a purpose. I want to be more than a mother and a wife and daughter. I also need to find a way to accept that I may never be more than just that. I need that to be okay.